3. Down And Out In Pudsey With Nowhere To Go

After the explosion at their lodgings, the landlord threw Captain Pearson and Captain Cracker out. They sat on the pavement in Chapeltown begging. Captain Pearson complained to Captain Cracker that the people in Pudsey were skinny, as all they had collected were three shirt buttons and a couple of foreign coins. Joey the parrot blamed the Captains for the mess, saying the gorillas had more sense.

Just then, a Rolls Royce pulled up, and five elegant figures—bowler hats, spats, suits, and gold-topped canes—stepped out. Captain Pearson shouted, “Bloody Hell… It’s them sodding gorillas again”. One gorilla told Captain Cracker to “keep a civil tongue in your head”. The Captains were open-mouthed, asking where they learned to talk.

The first gorilla explained that when the Captains deserted them, they went to a circus in London, where they were shown how to use their vocal chords. They gave speeches all over the country and were so successful they became millionaires. When the Captains asked about their share, the gorilla spokesman said they would get “buggrr all”.

The gorilla offered them a job in their large mansion. Since Captain Cracker had woodworm in his wooden leg, he was deemed unfit to be a butler. Instead, Captain Cracker could be the gardener and use his peg leg to make holes for planting seeds. Captain Pearson was offered the role of butler. Captain Pearson initially refused to “ponce about in a bloody tail coat”.

Joey the parrot asked what assistance he could be. The gorilla spokesman said Joey could announce visitors and dust all the high places. Joey thought dusting was beneath his station as an announcer and told them to “piss off”. The gorilla spokesman gave Captain Pearson three choices: butler, shovelling refuse with Capt. Cracker, or returning to begging.

Hearing the job paid £250 a week with all meals provided, Captain Pearson quickly claimed he was “born to be a butler”. He demonstrated his new “lofty and haughty” Oxford English tone with, “You Rang Sir?”. Captain Cracker and Joey called him a “creeping get” and a “rotten arse licker”.